Thursday, October 18, 2012

Inadequacy

I don't remember if I have blogged about this already, but I seem to be in a funk. It is hard to put into words what I have been feeling. I just have this HUGE burden on my shoulders. a lot of it is that I feel so inadequate. Like I'm not good enough. I am amazed a lot of what God has done in my life, and don't get me wrong.... I'm so thankful for the doors that have been opened for me over the last 5 years or so, but at the same time, I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm not worthy of the opportunities and blessings that have come my way.

An acquaintance at church recently asked me to speak in her Sunday School class about how God has been faithful to me. I am to speak on October 28th. I have been praying a lot about what I should speak on. Well, first, I spent a lot of time praying if I should do it or not. I feel like I should. The problem for me at the moment lies with what subjects I should broach, and which I should leave alone. I have a plethora of instances where God has shown me that He is faithful. And yet... here I am, still feeling inadequate to even speak to a small group of ladies. I do realize that part of it is nerves- as I'm NOT at ALL comfortable with public speaking... even with just a handful of people. But to bar my soul to people, bringing up subjects that I have worked hard to bury and forget about, is a little unnerving in and of itself.

Why do I feel so inadequate about so many things? Why do I always feel like I am not good enough, or not worthy enough to receive a blessing? mind you, i'm not asking you to get advice-- it's rhetorical.

On another note in my personal life, a lot has been happening that has been out of my control. The family I babysit for... the father lost his job a couple weeks ago, and so he's been actively looking for work... even looking outside our vicinity into other states. While I know that God has it all worked out already and sees the big picture, they are struggling to make ends meet and take care of their 5 children. I have still been babysitting, but my hours will be getting reduced a great deal, especially next week, as it only looks like I'll have the kids one day, unless something comes up. They are not ruling out the possibility of moving out of state for a job, and if that happens, I'll be out of a job as well. They did at one point ask me if i would be willing to move with them if that were to happen, but at this point in my life, I don't think that is a viable option for me.

This blog post has barely scratched the surface of what is going on inside my head, but this is a start. My blogging about this isn't meant to bring you down or to feel sorry for me. I'm just expressing my feelings, trying to sort them out. You just happen to be reading it. And there aren't many who read this anyway, so I guess in that respect I'm more comfortable sharing.

On that note, I'm going to close, because I'm sitting at my sisters salon, and the massage therapist is going to give me an hour massage at half price. She is so sweet to do that, and it is MUCH needed!!

Oh.... and guess what??? My mom is off to a retreat this weekend, so I have the house to myself for the weekend!! I have a voice lesson (first one in almost 2 months!!) early in the afternoon, then I have the rest of the day Friday and all day Saturday to myself!!! Sunday I have church, then hanging out with Annette, then a church activity that night, so I'm not counting Sunday. And all that will be ruined if my brother is home. I'm really hoping that he has his own weekend activities.

OK, catch ya later!!

1 comment:

Tammy said...

Prayers, hugs, and love, Dawn. You are special lady! Enjoy your weekend!!!